Clueless

Clueless!!

Yes, I am clueless right now. What am I doing? Why am I doing? why shall I do whatever I am doing? Do I have any objective? Do I have any goal? What are my ambitions?

I am clueless and lost right now. Yes, seriously what am I doing? Whatever am I doing is it making me happy? Because clearly I am not happy right now. However hard I try to project that I am happy, in front of my friends. Whatsoever double meaning things I talk but at the end of the day, it’s all fake. All that laughter, smile are for outside world. From inside I am same as before undecided, uneasy, unhappy, maybe depressed also. So what is the use of all this? What am I achieving by wearing a mask and faking my happiness? Maybe I don’t want others to be unhappy because of me. Or maybe I don’t want anybody to be worried about me.

Otherwise, I don’t understand what is the use of going to office daily? What is the use  doing anything? What is the use trying to be happy? Maybe the first self-assessment I have was true. Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy. Maybe I should stop trying to be happy. Because I only destroy things. I destroy trust, love. I broke hearts. I disappoint people. Maybe happiness is not my cup of tea. All my friends and family should disown me and I should be isolated.

Am I sounding too depressed? Yes, maybe its true me, who is always depressed. Who knows. I am too lost right now to find an answer to any of the question I have in my mind.

Will I ever be able to find rest? Will I ever be able to do anything meaningful with this life? What is my ambition? What are my goals?

I don’t think I have any ambitions or any goals. I am a gone case. A defective toy, who is broken beyond repair. My life is shattered right now and the broken pieces are lying everywhere. I have no clue how will I solve this puzzle? How will I fix me? Will I be ever able to fix me?

Will I ever be able to correct the mistakes that I have done? Or I am a big mistake that can never be corrected?

Meditation didn’t help. Retrospection didn’t help. Each question gives rise to ten new questions but I have answers to none.

These days I am totally confused. When I wake up in the morning, I am not able to decide whether should I go to work or take a leave? What to eat for breakfast? Whether to drink tea or Juice? What clothes to wear?

Earlier I used to be so well organized, Confident and sure about myself. Now it’s the exact opposite. I even don’t know whether I want to remain like this or do I need to change my situation? It’s all chaos, utter madness and disorientation everywhere.

Maybe it’s all a phase and it will pass or maybe I will remain like this forever?

So yes, clueless is the word that best describes my current state of mind. Is It?

If You have any clue, do tell me. Because I am Clueless.

 

Gaurav Gupta

 

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