Heart Broken

“I Love You”, I said.

“I Love Someone else, I want I Love you not from you but from some other guy” She Said.

And the tears in my eyes never stopped rolling.

Without her, I just want this life to end as quickly as possible.

 

Gaurav Gupta

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Saturday Recap

It was a warm morning in Delhi. I got up at 3 AM in the morning. My cab for the airport was on 4.30 AM. There were no emotions for the trip. I got ready. The cab came, dropped me to the airport. After routine checks, I was waiting at the terminal gate for my flight. As I have to get up quite early in the morning, I was feeling very sleepy. I was sleeping throughout the flight. I missed my breakfast as well.

I landed in Bangalore on time. I don’t know what happened, but suddenly I was filled with nostalgia. For the first time when I landed in Bangalore on 1st November 2015, I was about to meet My Girl for the first time. I was super excited then. On Saturday, I was again suddenly very emotional. I got out of the airport. I saw the shop, Katti Zone. It was the same shop in front of which I saw My Girl for the first time. She was jumping up and down seeing me. I sat there for some time. I was supposed to check in the hotel, but I choose not to. Instead, I went to a restaurant named Adyar Ananda Bhawan (A2B) near the airport. It was the very same place, where I and My Girl had our first tea together. I could imagine her sitting in front of me. Smiling at me with that same innocent face. There were tears rolling down my eyes.

I decided to visit her home. Though I had visited her home only once. I clearly remembered the way around. I guided the cab driver. I was in front of her home. I reached out of the window to see if there was anyone in the balcony. There was no one. Nothing has changed in that locality in last 10 months. I was imagining her standing in the balcony and waving at me.

By this time I was feeling very hungry. So I decided to go to MTR restaurant for some brunch. It is the very same restaurant that she bring me to have my brunch last year. I ordered the same things that I ate last year with My Girl. Maybe I was just trying to relive all the moments that I have spent with My Girl in Bangalore. After a very long time, there was a bright smile on my face. I was happy from the core of my heart. Even though, she was not with me. Her memories were tingling my brain and all those happy moments were doing a chemical reaction with my body. In that very moment, I just wanted to dance.

I had come to Bangalore for a friend’s wedding reception. So I quickly go to the restaurant’s washroom and changed my attire according to the occasion.

My Girl was also supposed to be part of the wedding reception. So the possibility that I could finally meet her after such a long time was making me go weak on my knees. I reached the designated place a bit early around 4 PM. There was nobody there. I just sat there. Around 5.30 PM my friend and her husband arrived. She was visibly very happy. She was the center of attraction that night. She went in for her bridal makeup while I was chit chatting with her husband and her father.

The event started on time at 7 PM and guest started to trickle in. They were queuing beside the stage to meet the bride and groom. Present their gifts, get their photographs clicked and then going ahead for dinner.

My eyes were constantly searching for My Girl. I was really excited that I was finally going to see her. I looked at the clock. It was 7.15 PM. I thought that event started so long back, where is My Girl. I was starting to get impatient. The clock struck 7.45 PM and there was still no signs of My Girl. The guests were continuously rolling in. Giving their presents and getting their photographs clicked and leaving the scene.

By 8.15 PM the hall was empty. Very few close relatives remain. My hopes of seeing My Girl were dashed. There were tears in my eyes again. I got up. Went to the stage. Shook hands with bride and groom (I have already given my gift to them), get my picture clicked and starting to leave. I was hungry but was in no mood to have dinner. For some stupid reason, I just sat there. I sat there for some time. At 9.10 PM when looked at the door for once final time, I saw My Girl. First, I thought I was imagining her like the way I was doing for the whole day. But then I realised it was not my imagination. Actually, it was My Girl, standing right in front of me. I was so happy. I just wanted to go and hug her so tight, that she could never leave me.

I was seeing her after 293 days or after 9 months, 19 days. My Wait was finally over.

P.S – How the rest of the conversation unfolded between me and My Girl will be narrated in Saturday Recap Part -2.

 

Gaurav Gupta

Diary Entry 21.08.2016

Dear Diary

Before writing anything, my dear diary I would like to say sorry to you. I only come to you when I am sad. I rarely share my happiness with you.

I was happy yesterday. Yesterday I was missing My Girl. I was missing her very much. I was missing our long chats. I was missing her touch. I was missing the way she used to pull my hair. I was not able to control myself and decided to get drunk and talk to her. On the pretext of a friend’s birthday party, I got out of my house. Went to a bar, had a bottle of wine. Pinged My Girl. I just wanted to know if she is alright. She hasn’t come to the office for the whole week. So I was bit worried. I drank and drank and continued texting her. She was replying. I was happy that at least she was replying. In the end, I sensed she was not that happy with me texting her. So I advised her to block me. How stupid of me?

I was so drunk. I actually had to go to a friend’s place to crash.

Today was no better. I woke up with a bad hangover. I thought that after chatting with her last night the feeling of missing her would go. But the exact opposite has happened. I am missing her so badly. But I can’t even ping her now because I have asked her to block me. And tears are just not stopping.

So dear diary will you be My Girl again for me sometime so that I can talk to her?

My Girl, I just want to ask you to come office regularly. So that I know you are alright. I want you to be happy. And if I make you unhappy then I would stop disturbing you. A sober me can control the feelings, a sober me can suppress the need to talk to you. But a drunk me is shameless and selfish. A drunk me just care for my happiness.

I promise I will never get drunk again. Will never message you. Will never disturb you. Just keep me blocked. I promise that when I come to Bangalore this weekend. I will not make any attempt to contact you. I will not do anything that makes you unhappy. Take care My Girl.

Thanks, dear diary for again stepping up to be My Girl. You are the best.

 

Gaurav Gupta

 

No No No No

As you all know My Girl has gone for a business trip to London, therefore we are on skype most of the time to be with each other. God bless the person who invented video calls. I am not physically with My Girl but she still feels to be with me when we are on skype.

Last night after 3 hours of skype:

Me : So?

My Girl : Good night 🙂

Me : No, let’s talk some more time.

MG : No, let’s cut the call.

Me : You cut the call.

MG : No, you cut the call.

Me : Don’t cut the call. 😛

Giggles all over the call. She kept on saying bye in her sweet voice and kept on saying no. We didn’t cut the call for another hour. Don’t know when she dozed off listening to me chatter.

I also don’t remember when I fell to sleep. When I woke up, the call was still ON. I said “Hello”. My Girl in a fruity voice replied “Good Morning”.

Giggles all over the call again. After chatting for another half an hour we finally said goodbye.

Oh! I just love her voice. It turns my bad day into a good day. It gives me joy, happiness, pleasure all at the same time. I think I can’t survive without listening to her voice.

P.S – I just love My Girl’s voice 🙂

 

Gaurav Gupta

The Distance

I was eagerly waiting for it to ring. Continuously looking at the screen to lighten up. Each passing moment just adding to my nervousness. I was getting impatient. The phone was just not ringing. To take my mind off the situation I went out for a jog.

When I returned, there were two miss calls. I splashed through to my call history. My Girl called twice. I hastily called back. Her phone was now switched off. Through that, I know that her flight has landed. But I didn’t know how she is? Was the flight ok? Did she get the taxi? Where is she now?

I was just dying to hear her voice. I can’t bear her away from me even for a minute and there she was on a nine-hour long flight. The wait was getting longer. Every time I tried to call, the phone came switched off. It was adding to my anxiety.

My Girl has gone to London for a business trip. Though it was only a three weeks long trip. I didn’t want her to go. I didn’t want her to leave my sight even for a single day. But she insisted. It was important for her work.

I was still trying to contact her but all my efforts were futile. The phone was continuously coming switched off. I was in no shape to cook the dinner. So I ordered some Chinese takeaway. Amidst the desire to talk to her, I almost forgot about the dinner and don’t know when just dozed off.

Somewhere in the middle of the night, my sleep was disturbed by the ring of my phone. It was her. Finally. It was her. I picked up the call.

My Girl : Sorry baby, Sorry. the battery of my phone just ran out. I have just checked in the hotel and charged my phone to call you.

I bombarded her with so many questions.

Me : How are you? Did you eat something? Are you tired? How was the flight?

We spent next two hours talking over the phone, and I didn’t realize it was sunrise. After a while of saying good night and goodbye, I kissed the speaker in hope that my love would reach her via the telephone lines. She giggled. Said good night to me.

Our relationship started over long distance calls, so it was not new to us. We were in two different continents when we met online.

P.S –  I knew it was again time for us to be in a long distance relationship again. But thank god, it’s was only for three weeks.

 

Gaurav Gupta

 

Letter to Self

Dear Self,

I just want to let you know that you are doing great. You are doing awesome. You are doing everything you can.

Just don’t stop trying. Do what you believe is right. In the end, everything will be alright. I love you. Don’t worry about anything. Alone you can achieve everything that I dreamt of. Just hang in there.

Don’t lose confidence and faith.

Happy Friendship day dear Self.

And read this letter whenever you feel alone or down. I was, I am and I will always be with you 🙂

Your Well Wisher!

 

Gaurav Gupta

Diary Entry 06.08.2016

Dear Diary,

From the day I have returned back home, I haven’t been myself. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I am always feeling on the edge, highly irritated and very sensitive. I am just pushing everyone away. My parents, my siblings are trying to make a conversation with me but I am not able to interact. Maybe I am not used to so many people around me now.

The more I am quiet, the more questions they asked. The more I try to avoid the more they get under my skin. I know they don’t mean any harm. They are the ones who are paying attention to me. Maybe they are pampering me. Maybe they are just trying to learn about my last year.

But I am not liking it all. I am not liking all this attention. I am not liking all this affection. I am not liking all these questions. How? When? Why?

I am not liking my independence being compromised, my privacy being invaded. Maybe I am not liking this change in routine that has happened after coming back home. I don’t like changes.

I was trying to be happy with myself and suddenly all the things changed. Maybe I am so addicted to the loneliness that I don’t like anyone else around me. Don’t know but I am not okay.

So many things are going in my mind right now. I am not able to prioritise. I just want to run away. Run away to some place quiet, peaceful. Where there is no body. Nobody to disturb me. Where I have to make no decisions. Where I have to talk to nobody. I am feeling sick and weird at the same time.

I try to share this with My Girl. She shut me out. I don’t want to disturb my best friend as she is already occupied with so many things. So I am left with you, dear Diary. Today you have to listen to me cribbing and crying like you have done so many times.

But one question remains. Why would I feel irritated and suffocated when I am with my family. What is wrong with me?

 

Gaurav Gupta