For the very first time

For the very first time I rise up, my hands were shaking. Just sitting outside that room and hoping for the safety of My Girl.

For the very first time, she handed my little girl to me (I always wanted to have a daughter).

For the very first time, I was holding something so small, so tiny, so little.

For the very first time, I was hearing such a delicate heartbeat.

For the very first time, I realised the importance of life. The importance of breath.

For the very first time, I realised the meaning of true love.

For the very first time, I promised myself that I will try to do everything right for my little baby girl. I will always be there to catch her when she falls. And I will never allow anything bad to happen to her. Not a broken arm, not a bad nightmare and not even a broken heart.

For the very first time, I and My Girl become parents.

 

 

 

Gaurav Gupta

Advertisements

Diary Entry 19.11.2016

Dear My Girl

I was missing you so badly last night. I know, I have decided that I will not try and contact you but last night was something different. The urge just came over me. I was not able to control. And in that moment of weakness, I send you a message.

I am sorry for being weak. I should not talk to you, not because I have decided that I will not talk to you. But because you have every right to move on in life. You have every right to find a better guy than me. You have every right to find happiness whichever way you seem right.

And my feelings, love, stupidity should not be a blocker for you. It was me who decided to part ways with you. So it should be your decision if you wanted us back together. If I am waiting for you then I should learn to do it silently and not ping and disturb you every time my resolve get weak. Everything can’t happen as per my will.

I also should not talk to you because every time you say that you have found someone new, some new guy who is good enough for you, I feel happy for you but at the same time, it shreds my heart into pieces. I can’t imagine you with anyone else other than me.

So sorry for last night, sorry for being weak. 😦

Stay happy and stay blessed. 🙂

Thank you dear diary for standing up for My Girl once again and listening to me patiently.

 

Gaurav Gupta

I am in Depression

I may not realize it, But I am suffering from depression.

Every time someone asks me “How are you?” my response is same “I am fine”, “I am cool”. In reality, there are thousand emotional cyclone whirlwinds that are going inside me.

I wear a mask. A happy mask to show the world that I am a stud. I am a rockstar, that I am a superman. Even my close friends are fooled by that mask. But in reality, I am just me who is drowning without even realizing that soon I will be dead. I will be dead not physically. I will be dead emotionally.

Look at the irony of the situation. I used to be indifferent. Not bothered about anything, living the perfect black and white life. Someday, somebody entered in my life with a tinge of gray and taught me care, compassion, emotion. And now I am living in those memories.

I have a fantasy world where everything happens according to my wish and whims. Everything is perfect in my fantasy world. In the real world, everything is falling apart. The people I care, the people I want in my life are going far away. So far away that even my shadow can’t reach them. I try to assemble some broken pieces of my life, the others just crumble even faster.

I have learned to lie to myself also. So, when I ask myself how am I? The response comes from within. “Everything is fine”. “I am cool”.

I am in depression. I love being in the depression. I love to live in memories until the time my fantasy and my reality are not in sync. I hope that happens before I am emotionally empty.

 

Gaurav Gupta