I may not realize it, But I am suffering from depression.
Every time someone asks me “How are you?” my response is same “I am fine”, “I am cool”. In reality, there are thousand emotional cyclone whirlwinds that are going inside me.
I wear a mask. A happy mask to show the world that I am a stud. I am a rockstar, that I am a superman. Even my close friends are fooled by that mask. But in reality, I am just me who is drowning without even realizing that soon I will be dead. I will be dead not physically. I will be dead emotionally.
Look at the irony of the situation. I used to be indifferent. Not bothered about anything, living the perfect black and white life. Someday, somebody entered in my life with a tinge of gray and taught me care, compassion, emotion. And now I am living in those memories.
I have a fantasy world where everything happens according to my wish and whims. Everything is perfect in my fantasy world. In the real world, everything is falling apart. The people I care, the people I want in my life are going far away. So far away that even my shadow can’t reach them. I try to assemble some broken pieces of my life, the others just crumble even faster.
I have learned to lie to myself also. So, when I ask myself how am I? The response comes from within. “Everything is fine”. “I am cool”.
I am in depression. I love being in the depression. I love to live in memories until the time my fantasy and my reality are not in sync. I hope that happens before I am emotionally empty.