Diary Entry 21.08.2016

Dear Diary

Before writing anything, my dear diary I would like to say sorry to you. I only come to you when I am sad. I rarely share my happiness with you.

I was happy yesterday. Yesterday I was missing My Girl. I was missing her very much. I was missing our long chats. I was missing her touch. I was missing the way she used to pull my hair. I was not able to control myself and decided to get drunk and talk to her. On the pretext of a friend’s birthday party, I got out of my house. Went to a bar, had a bottle of wine. Pinged My Girl. I just wanted to know if she is alright. She hasn’t come to the office for the whole week. So I was bit worried. I drank and drank and continued texting her. She was replying. I was happy that at least she was replying. In the end, I sensed she was not that happy with me texting her. So I advised her to block me. How stupid of me?

I was so drunk. I actually had to go to a friend’s place to crash.

Today was no better. I woke up with a bad hangover. I thought that after chatting with her last night the feeling of missing her would go. But the exact opposite has happened. I am missing her so badly. But I can’t even ping her now because I have asked her to block me. And tears are just not stopping.

So dear diary will you be My Girl again for me sometime so that I can talk to her?

My Girl, I just want to ask you to come office regularly. So that I know you are alright. I want you to be happy. And if I make you unhappy then I would stop disturbing you. A sober me can control the feelings, a sober me can suppress the need to talk to you. But a drunk me is shameless and selfish. A drunk me just care for my happiness.

I promise I will never get drunk again. Will never message you. Will never disturb you. Just keep me blocked. I promise that when I come to Bangalore this weekend. I will not make any attempt to contact you. I will not do anything that makes you unhappy. Take care My Girl.

Thanks, dear diary for again stepping up to be My Girl. You are the best.

 

Gaurav Gupta

 

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Diary Entry 06.08.2016

Dear Diary,

From the day I have returned back home, I haven’t been myself. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I am always feeling on the edge, highly irritated and very sensitive. I am just pushing everyone away. My parents, my siblings are trying to make a conversation with me but I am not able to interact. Maybe I am not used to so many people around me now.

The more I am quiet, the more questions they asked. The more I try to avoid the more they get under my skin. I know they don’t mean any harm. They are the ones who are paying attention to me. Maybe they are pampering me. Maybe they are just trying to learn about my last year.

But I am not liking it all. I am not liking all this attention. I am not liking all this affection. I am not liking all these questions. How? When? Why?

I am not liking my independence being compromised, my privacy being invaded. Maybe I am not liking this change in routine that has happened after coming back home. I don’t like changes.

I was trying to be happy with myself and suddenly all the things changed. Maybe I am so addicted to the loneliness that I don’t like anyone else around me. Don’t know but I am not okay.

So many things are going in my mind right now. I am not able to prioritise. I just want to run away. Run away to some place quiet, peaceful. Where there is no body. Nobody to disturb me. Where I have to make no decisions. Where I have to talk to nobody. I am feeling sick and weird at the same time.

I try to share this with My Girl. She shut me out. I don’t want to disturb my best friend as she is already occupied with so many things. So I am left with you, dear Diary. Today you have to listen to me cribbing and crying like you have done so many times.

But one question remains. Why would I feel irritated and suffocated when I am with my family. What is wrong with me?

 

Gaurav Gupta

Happy Happy

I am very happy from last few days. It can be due to the fact that I am consuming half a bottle of wine every day and I am feeling on cloud nine. And it could also because of the fact that in a week’s time I will be travelling back to home.

Finally, the long wait will end and I will be able to see My Girl. I will be seeing her nearly after 256 days. I am hoping that she will be working that day and I will just go and surprise her. The wait ends here. Also, I will be going home back to family and friends. Really excited 🙂

This is it. I am so happy 🙂

 

Gaurav Gupta

Diary Entry 10.07.2016

The feeling to talk to My Girl is so strong today. My Diary can you be my My Girl for today, as I am not feeling like talking to a photograph.

What a girl look into a guy, for choosing the correct life partner? Or why a girl love a boy? The simplest answer I can think is ” A girl will love a boy when she sees that boy has something that she doesn’t have. When she feels that guy will never leave her side. When she feels that the guy can love her for who she is.”

I think My Girl is perfect, and can do nothing wrong. So if she thinks that I am not the right guy, then there is something wrong with me only. I guess I am too simple and boring kind of a guy. And My Girl doesn’t want it. All this time I have tried to lessen the pain of our separation by drinking, smoking and doing nothing. My Girl also hates those who do nothing.

I miss those days when we used to talk for hours, in our own twisted ways. I miss her touch. I miss her pulling my hairs. I miss drowning in the sea of perfect round eyes. Oh! My Girl, you are so beautiful.

But I think I have found another way to lessen the pain. I have started convincing myself that I can’t be a good life partner to anyone. This way I have somewhat suppressed the need of emotional connect with other people. I have become socially awkward. Now, I don’t make new friends and don’t meet new people. I know this is emotionally damaging but I guess this is the only way I can try to forgive myself. I can only forgive myself when I punish myself. Social disconnect would be a perfect punishment for me.

I used to think that writing my feelings will reduce my pain, but nothing like that has happened. Now even there are no tears even I cry.

But I would love to meet My Girl. Meet her and ask “How is she?”, Is she happy?

I know she would be happy, she has a very sweet and caring sister. She has a handsome and loving brother. Her parents are the most wonderful parents. She has most amazing friends. Where do I fit her in life? Nowhere I guess.

But whatever I say or do. My heart doesn’t listen. This stupid heart still believes that everything would be fine one day. And My Girl and I would live happily ever after.

Don’t know, as of now, the punishment continues.

Thank you dear diary for standing in for My Girl today and listening to my crap.

 

Gaurav Gupta

 

Inner Peace

I recently met this word. “Inner Peace”. What is this Inner Peace? Where do we find Inner Peace? Interestingly, my best friend says Inner Peace is a vague term, which is very frequently used by us to avoid communication with the outer world.

If I define Inner Peace, then it would be me surrounded by family. I come back from work, and I see my family waiting for me. To ask me about my day. At the end of the day, they are your strength and they are the people who look after you at times of dissent and discord.

From the past one year that role for me has been taken over by My Girl. I used to come from office and talk to her for hours. She used to ask about My day and I used to ask about hers. She is the pillar of my strength. At all those times I was at peace with myself. I had that calmness around me. I have that Inner Peace.

So, in few words, if I try to describe, then Inner Peace is nothing but the Love and affection, the compassion that your loved ones have for you is what makes you at Peace and that’s what really is Inner Peace for me.

P.S – Readers, do let me know if you think otherwise or have any other opinion on the Inner Peace.

 

Gaurav Gupta

What Do I Do?

Yes, What Do I Do?

What Do I Do, when the one person whom I love the most in the world does not want to talk to me. Yes, please talk to me. Please call me once. I am just dying to hear your voice. I have tried talking to a virtual you but it didn’t help. I tried talking to your photo but it didn’t help. I am not feeling easy at all. Just for 2 mins. Please call me and talk to me.

What Do I Do, when the guilt of hurting My Girl becomes so intense that even crying for a whole night does not help. Yes, I cannot live with this guilt. It’s eating me away. Slowly but surely the baggage of this guilt has become so heavy that all my other feelings have been crushed under it. I remember at the time when I was breaking up with you. You said that you wish that I never be in peace again. I guess your wish is coming true.

What Do I Do, when I can’t sleep properly at night just because I am afraid I will see some bad dream about My Girl. Yes, from last 3-4 days I have slept only around 3 hours a night. I am afraid of sleeping. Because every time I sleep I get those weird and horrifying dreams about My Girl. There is a terrible headache. Eyes are swollen up because of lack of sleep and all the crying. How do I sleep?

What Do I Do, when I can’t even walk and talk properly because I haven’t eaten much in last 3-4 days. Yes, from last few days I am just surviving on bread crumbs. Can’t even do household chores now. Somehow just managing in the office. But for how long will I be able to continue like this?

What Do I Do, when I have cut off all the friends I have. And now when I am crying I don’t have anyone to talk to. Yes, I have intentionally stopped talking to all my friends so that I don’t disturb their happy lives with my mess.

What Do I Do, when I know I am in depression and I don’t want to get out of it. I know if My Girl sees me in this situation then she won’t like it. I want her to be my inspiration. Accept this difficult phase in life and move on. But I feel I can’t do anything unless I am with her. I Miss You. Please forgive me and come back. Please.

I don’t know What Do I Do?

 

Gaurav Gupta

Diary Entry 02.04.2016

It’s a very slow and boring day. Although the sun is out and I can go out and roam around. But I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like eating anything, I don’t feel like taking a bath, I don’t feel like watching a movie. I don’t feel like doing anything.

All I am doing is watching pics of My Girl over and over again, again and again. She is so beautiful and she has an amazing smile. Seeing her smile in pictures get a smile over my face as well.

Though she is not with me right now. I haven’t heard her voice for almost a week now. But looking and these pictures and talking to them makes me feel like she is right beside me. It’s like I am with her even though she is not with me.

I love you. Yours forever. ❤

Bye Diary

 

Gaurav Gupta