Dear My Girl
I am sorry, last night I was a bit drunk. I was not able to control myself. I shouldn’t have messaged. I think, I deserved the scolding after that.
I am sorry for hurting you and disappointing you. I didn’t know that I had hurt your parents also. I am sorry for that. You are right, you are raised by a king otherwise, it’s impossible for someone to be so awesome like you.
I would never do anything knowingly to hurt you or to make you sad. If me talking to you or pinging to you make you sad and angry then I promise I will never try to contact you. 😦
Don’t worry My Girl, everything will happen as you want. You want me out of your life then I will kick me out of your life. Just be patient for a while. To continue my punishment I have almost convinced myself that I am not good enough you or for anyone else. Don’t worry the punishment for hurting you will continue for the rest of my life.
Till the time we were together, maybe that was the only love, respect, compassion was meant to be for me in this life. I had my amazing lovely moments with you and love for me is now over. Maybe in some other lifetime, we will be together. I will try and be better for you that time. I just want you to be happy where ever you are.
I am sorry again for hurting you and your loved ones and believe me I will never stop punishing the person who made you cry.
One more day spent lonely, One more week passed in your memories. One more month reliving those happy moments. One more year without you and One more life without Us.
I miss you. I miss Us.
Thank you dear diary for role playing My Girl and listening to me when no one was around. 🙂
Dear My Girl
I was missing you so badly last night. I know, I have decided that I will not try and contact you but last night was something different. The urge just came over me. I was not able to control. And in that moment of weakness, I send you a message.
I am sorry for being weak. I should not talk to you, not because I have decided that I will not talk to you. But because you have every right to move on in life. You have every right to find a better guy than me. You have every right to find happiness whichever way you seem right.
And my feelings, love, stupidity should not be a blocker for you. It was me who decided to part ways with you. So it should be your decision if you wanted us back together. If I am waiting for you then I should learn to do it silently and not ping and disturb you every time my resolve get weak. Everything can’t happen as per my will.
I also should not talk to you because every time you say that you have found someone new, some new guy who is good enough for you, I feel happy for you but at the same time, it shreds my heart into pieces. I can’t imagine you with anyone else other than me.
So sorry for last night, sorry for being weak. 😦
Stay happy and stay blessed. 🙂
Thank you dear diary for standing up for My Girl once again and listening to me patiently.
I may not realize it, But I am suffering from depression.
Every time someone asks me “How are you?” my response is same “I am fine”, “I am cool”. In reality, there are thousand emotional cyclone whirlwinds that are going inside me.
I wear a mask. A happy mask to show the world that I am a stud. I am a rockstar, that I am a superman. Even my close friends are fooled by that mask. But in reality, I am just me who is drowning without even realizing that soon I will be dead. I will be dead not physically. I will be dead emotionally.
Look at the irony of the situation. I used to be indifferent. Not bothered about anything, living the perfect black and white life. Someday, somebody entered in my life with a tinge of gray and taught me care, compassion, emotion. And now I am living in those memories.
I have a fantasy world where everything happens according to my wish and whims. Everything is perfect in my fantasy world. In the real world, everything is falling apart. The people I care, the people I want in my life are going far away. So far away that even my shadow can’t reach them. I try to assemble some broken pieces of my life, the others just crumble even faster.
I have learned to lie to myself also. So, when I ask myself how am I? The response comes from within. “Everything is fine”. “I am cool”.
I am in depression. I love being in the depression. I love to live in memories until the time my fantasy and my reality are not in sync. I hope that happens before I am emotionally empty.
“I Love You”, I said.
“I Love Someone else, I want I Love you not from you but from some other guy” She Said.
And the tears in my eyes never stopped rolling.
Without her, I just want this life to end as quickly as possible.
Before writing anything, my dear diary I would like to say sorry to you. I only come to you when I am sad. I rarely share my happiness with you.
I was happy yesterday. Yesterday I was missing My Girl. I was missing her very much. I was missing our long chats. I was missing her touch. I was missing the way she used to pull my hair. I was not able to control myself and decided to get drunk and talk to her. On the pretext of a friend’s birthday party, I got out of my house. Went to a bar, had a bottle of wine. Pinged My Girl. I just wanted to know if she is alright. She hasn’t come to the office for the whole week. So I was bit worried. I drank and drank and continued texting her. She was replying. I was happy that at least she was replying. In the end, I sensed she was not that happy with me texting her. So I advised her to block me. How stupid of me?
I was so drunk. I actually had to go to a friend’s place to crash.
Today was no better. I woke up with a bad hangover. I thought that after chatting with her last night the feeling of missing her would go. But the exact opposite has happened. I am missing her so badly. But I can’t even ping her now because I have asked her to block me. And tears are just not stopping.
So dear diary will you be My Girl again for me sometime so that I can talk to her?
My Girl, I just want to ask you to come office regularly. So that I know you are alright. I want you to be happy. And if I make you unhappy then I would stop disturbing you. A sober me can control the feelings, a sober me can suppress the need to talk to you. But a drunk me is shameless and selfish. A drunk me just care for my happiness.
I promise I will never get drunk again. Will never message you. Will never disturb you. Just keep me blocked. I promise that when I come to Bangalore this weekend. I will not make any attempt to contact you. I will not do anything that makes you unhappy. Take care My Girl.
Thanks, dear diary for again stepping up to be My Girl. You are the best.