Clueless

Clueless!!

Yes, I am clueless right now. What am I doing? Why am I doing? why shall I do whatever I am doing? Do I have any objective? Do I have any goal? What are my ambitions?

I am clueless and lost right now. Yes, seriously what am I doing? Whatever am I doing is it making me happy? Because clearly I am not happy right now. However hard I try to project that I am happy, in front of my friends. Whatsoever double meaning things I talk but at the end of the day, it’s all fake. All that laughter, smile are for outside world. From inside I am same as before undecided, uneasy, unhappy, maybe depressed also. So what is the use of all this? What am I achieving by wearing a mask and faking my happiness? Maybe I don’t want others to be unhappy because of me. Or maybe I don’t want anybody to be worried about me.

Otherwise, I don’t understand what is the use of going to office daily? What is the use  doing anything? What is the use trying to be happy? Maybe the first self-assessment I have was true. Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy. Maybe I should stop trying to be happy. Because I only destroy things. I destroy trust, love. I broke hearts. I disappoint people. Maybe happiness is not my cup of tea. All my friends and family should disown me and I should be isolated.

Am I sounding too depressed? Yes, maybe its true me, who is always depressed. Who knows. I am too lost right now to find an answer to any of the question I have in my mind.

Will I ever be able to find rest? Will I ever be able to do anything meaningful with this life? What is my ambition? What are my goals?

I don’t think I have any ambitions or any goals. I am a gone case. A defective toy, who is broken beyond repair. My life is shattered right now and the broken pieces are lying everywhere. I have no clue how will I solve this puzzle? How will I fix me? Will I be ever able to fix me?

Will I ever be able to correct the mistakes that I have done? Or I am a big mistake that can never be corrected?

Meditation didn’t help. Retrospection didn’t help. Each question gives rise to ten new questions but I have answers to none.

These days I am totally confused. When I wake up in the morning, I am not able to decide whether should I go to work or take a leave? What to eat for breakfast? Whether to drink tea or Juice? What clothes to wear?

Earlier I used to be so well organized, Confident and sure about myself. Now it’s the exact opposite. I even don’t know whether I want to remain like this or do I need to change my situation? It’s all chaos, utter madness and disorientation everywhere.

Maybe it’s all a phase and it will pass or maybe I will remain like this forever?

So yes, clueless is the word that best describes my current state of mind. Is It?

If You have any clue, do tell me. Because I am Clueless.

 

Gaurav Gupta

 

My Breakfast

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I Love it. Poha (flattened rice) and one cup of hot tea. The best breakfast ever. Yes in the bright Tuesday morning, when the sun is out in its full glory. What better way to start the day.

Yes again like all the previous dishes as well this one is taught to me by my mother. But this dish is dear to me for one more reason. The first time I met My Girl, she bought Poha cooked with her own hands. Though the taste was a bit up and down due too many spices but it was the best Poha of my life. After a twelve hour flight, I landed at the airport and when I met her for the first time she had bought Poha for me. The gesture was all the more special as she did it on my special demand.

Coming back to my breakfast. I thoroughly enjoyed eating Poha and a hot cup of tea for breakfast in the morning. And as it was my first time preparing it, so the taste was extra good. I think my cooking skills are gradually improving. I now have the basic understanding of what spices to be used and in what amount to be used. The dishes prepared by me for the very first time are appreciated by my housemates.

I am happy today eating the Poha and remembering my first meeting with My Girl. 🙂

Happy cooking fellow bloggers and readers.

P.S – Inbox me if anyone wants the recipe of the dish.

 

Gaurav Gupta

Can we be “JUST FRIENDS”

Can we be “Just Friends”?

I guess many of us has faced this question at least once. If yes, then we all would have been in the same dilemma. What to reply, a Yes or a No.

I also faced this question. My Girl asked me the same question. I was heart broken.

How can we be “Just Friends”. If I talk to you for five minutes, at the sixth minute all I want to say is I Love You. When you are with me all I want to do is Kiss you. When you touch me, an electric buzz goes through my body. If I don’t hear your voice, I don’t feel easy.

How can you expect me to be “Just Friends” with you?

I cannot force you to love me. But I cannot force myself to unloved you. You are the single most important person in my life.

@My Girl take as much time as you want. I am going nowhere. You rule over me, and I like it that way. I don’t want to change. Either it’s you with whom I am going to spend my life or it will be your memories.

Love You 🙂

 

Gaurav Gupta

 

Diary Entry 24.03.2016

Everybody has a life. They have their own sorrows, their own joys. They have their own problems and their own ways of dealing with them.

How can I expect others to solve my problems? They will be busy with their own. So right now, I am jotting down my thought. Not in any organized manner.

I will remember this festive day of Holi (Hindu festival of Colours), as the most non-colourful day of my life. The day when I may have potentially lost My Girl. I don’t know whose fault is this, but I am suffering. And I am suffering badly. One moment I decide that I will remain happy no matter what. And the very next moment that resolve is broken with the huge influx of emotions. Again I go into that stage, where I am unsure, undecided.

Sometimes my mind just hates my heart for all that emotions my heart carry. These emotions are way too much for me to handle. I don’t know if I am emotionally weak or my emotions are too strong for me. Either way I am fucked.

Everybody has someone special in life, that one person for whom you can do anything. But how do I control my emotions, now when I know that I possibly have lost that person. I am so vulnerable right now. The only thing that is keeping me alive is that hope. That hope, that someday I will again be with My Girl. There is someday in future when she will again love me the way she used to. But what do I do till then? This emotional turmoil is taking its toll on me. I think I am loosing this battle.

But again, these are my problems and I should know how to deal with them. Just one mistake can turn the course of your life. We should treasure what we have and never take anything for granted. Because when that someone special is no more in your life than it leaves a big black hole in your life and every other good thing is sucked up by that black hole.

Bye Diary

 

Gaurav Gupta

 

How to Die?

I was busy doing some daily stuff. A voice broke the silence. It was the one of my junior from college.

He was the same junior that wrote me that letter, which I shared in the last blog. He had travelled all the way from Varanasi to Delhi to come and meet me. I prepared some tea and sandwich for him and we started chatting. He was telling some old college stories, some old college jokes. Then suddenly he asked something and I was startled.

He jokingly asked me “Sir, what would be the most painful way to die? To take one’s own life?”

What is the most painful way to die? I thought to myself the answer would be easy, but believe me, when I say it is not at all easy.

My first answer was sleeping pills. Right, what would be painful than poison? Eat and die. But as it turns out it is not easy. An overdose of sleeping pills will likely cause massive shock and pain because your heart will fail before the drug’s sedative effects take hold. Your body is also likely to throw up the poison, leaving you with enough of the drug to kill you, but not enough to do so quickly. Then you will have a drawn out death via liver or kidney failure.

My second answer would have been shooting you in the head, but as guns are not readily available you can use a knife to cut any significant vein or artery. But as it turns it is not easy as well. Five percent of those shot in the head will survive while a large portion of the remaining 95% doesn’t die instantly. Instead, they will slowly and painfully bleed out or die of other painful complications. Theoretically, it sounds good. But practically, a bullet or knife is not a good way to die.

My third answer would be drowning in the water. But as it turns out it was also a myth. Studies show humans are incapable of taking their own life. A drowning victim will hold their breath for as long as they can once submerge and this will be between 30 and 90 seconds. At this point, they inhale water, cough, splutter, and inhale some more. The water within the lungs prevents gas exchange and makes the airway seal shut. You will feel burning and tear in your chest before losing consciousness, something that can be very painful.

Then after very long and careful thought I concluded that a heartbreak is the most painful way to die. The victim dies slowly. First, his confidence gets shattered. He starts behaving undecided, unsure. Then slowly his pride also dies, fade and become a pale shadow of his bright past. At this stage, all the relatives also start leaving as nobody want to be a man who doesn’t know what to do. His personal life becomes zero. This also starts affecting his professional space. Slowly and surely he is deserted and lonely and suffocated. This way he is dying every day slowly and slowly. And surely one day the pain become so humongous that he chooses one of the above ways to end life and end the pain.

So fall in Love and get a heart break. That is the most painful way to die.

Personally, I don’t support someone taking their own life. If you start to truly contemplate suicide, talk to a loved one or get support.

But I this what I thought after listening to his question. though I didn’t reply.

 

Gaurav Gupta

 

Its Lonely and it Hurts

It was a Sunday morning. I was lazily lying in my bed, thinking about how to spend the Sunday. Suddenly the door bell rang. I somehow dragged my lazy bosom out of bed and opened the door. It was the postman. He had a letter addressing in my name. I was amazed that in today’s technology-hungry world who is writing letters and that to me.

I put the letter on my dining table and went into the kitchen to prepare some tea and breakfast for myself. I was having my breakfast and letter was right in front of my eyes. I could not resist myself. I had to open the letter. I broke the seal and opened the letter and was shell-shocked after reading the complete letter.

This is what were the contents of the letter (raw and unedited).

Yes, it’s lonely and it hurts like hell. I know I am not supposed to say all this, but you are not talking to me and I don’t know whom else I should talk to. So I am writing my feelings out.

I know it was not supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be happy and enjoying my life with you. But currently, without you my life is hell. Without you, there is no purpose in my life. I don’t feel like doing anything because there is no one to share my feelings. There is no one to whom I can turn and tell that I have done this and this thing today. I eat rice for lunch and had pizza for dinner. There is no one to whom I can share my joys and sorrows. So when there is no one to tell anything, then I don’t feel like doing anything.

Earlier I used to come back home and talk to you for hours. I had a reason to come back home. Now I don’t feel like coming back home. And no I am not crying like a bitch while writing this thing. I am all right. I am fine.

After meeting you, knowing you. All I wanted to do was, to come back to you every day after work. Talk to you, help you and stay with you for the rest of my life.

I don’t know what future beholds for both of us. But I know one thing for sure that I won’t be able to survive without you. I don’t want to admit, but I am way too drunk right now so I am confessing that I have even tried to take my life. End this pain. End this misery. But I am such a coward that I was not able to do anything with a knife in my hand.

I thought Love was supposed to be the most beautiful feeling in the world. Love was supposed to bring us together. We were meant to be together for the rest of our lives. But the amount of pain I have suffered because of Love, I cannot express in words.

I don’t want to cry right now, but I can’t simply live without you. Please forgive me. Please come back to me. Please!

I know I have hurt you. I know I have broken all my promises. But staying away from you have made me realize that I am incomplete without you. You make me happy. You make me a better man. You complete me.

 

I tried to enquire about the author of the letter. After much inquiry, I found out that it was one of my junior from the college. I cannot reveal the name. But buddy if you are reading this blog then I want to advise you that, I know life can be hard sometimes and it may not seem fair always. But we should not give up. We should just try and hang on till our time comes.

Take care Buddy.

 

Gaurav Gupta

My New Purchase

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I just made a new purchase. I wanted to buy this watch for a very long time. After saving for 3 months, I was finally able to buy this one. This is Fossil Grant Chronograph watch.

Can’t express the feeling when the watch was delivered to me and I was unboxing it. I was feeling like I had laid my hands on some ancient priceless treasure.

It looks very cool on my wrist. Gives me a bit of more confidence. A classic watch for a classic man.

People say now is the time of Smart watches, but I guess I am a bit of old school.

I flaunt it, felt proud to be the owner of it. I basically felt good about my purchase. I purchased my last watch some 6 years back and it’s still in use. I hope this one also lasts long and will continue to be the gem of my arm. 🙂

Below is the link for the watch:

https://www.fossil.com/uk/en/search/grant-chronograph-stainless-steel-watch-sku-fs4736p.html

You guys can check it out. If you like it then you can buy it.

 

Gaurav Gupta